Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The "A" Word

I sat here for awhile trying to find the words to say to begin this post.  Sometimes it's easier to stay quiet  and always wear a smile, but sometimes you have to share your struggles.  Why is it important to share our struggles?  I guess in some ways I feel like it could help somebody else know that they are not alone.  Some of my reasons for sharing are selfish, though.  If I don't share I might just explode.

Our son was recently diagnosed with Autism, and although in the back of my head I have known for years, I think the actual diagnosis has allowed for the emotional piece of our reality to catch up with me.    Up until this point, for me, it has all been very matter of fact.  There is a delay, there is a wiring issue, there is an age deficit and we have to do A, B, and C to make this right.

And we are still doing A, B, and C and probably D, E, etc, too.  With this diagnosis we will be doing even MORE interventions and therapies.  We have already seen such progress and I am amazed at what early intervention can do, but I see him struggle and I wish every little thing was not so hard or a such a huge event.  It hurts me, that taking my other son to preschool in the morning causes a panic and a screaming fit the whole way there, the whole way back and usually for about a half hour when we get home.  It hurts me that when other people are planning Halloween parties and trick or treating, I am assuming either of those will result in overload and send him into a tailspin.

These assumptions have me torn.  I so want him to experience new things, because when he likes something he REALLY likes something.  But then I am terrified it will result in a meltdown or a kicking and screaming match that I can hardly control, so I will many times avoid a new experience all together.  I am not sure if that is to his benefit or his detriment, but sometimes I don't feel like I even have a choice.

Today was the first day I cried just for him, with no event spurring it on.  I have cried before in the middle of the night when nothing is working to get him to sleep.  I cried when the fair terrified him and he found no joy in it at all.  I have cried out of frustration when for the life of me I cannot figure out what he wants.  But today, I heard this song about a girl with autism, and I cried for him and the challenges I know he has ahead of him.  He has the coolest personality and his excitement for life amazes me, and I would not want that to change.  It is a part of him and I am so in love with every single part of him.  It really is a beautiful blessing and a beautiful curse.

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